I wasn't always like this. I wasn't always bitter, jealous, conniving and--as many recently decided--a whore. And while I know I am not virtuous or even good, I am not altogether evil either. All I have done has been for the benefit not only of myself, but of my son. If it seems my actions are wholly selfish, I assure you they are not. For even if I am not who I was before, parts of my younger, virtuous self remain.
Often I wish I could be who I once was. I wish that I could be the same person who drove chariots, fought demons, and served her king. The person who Dasaratha fell in love with. But am I not her, not anymore.
You see, once upon a time I was fearless, unafraid of anything that came my way. Call it innocence, ignorance, bravery--whatever you desire. I was the best mortal chariot driver in the lands--perhaps even better than some immortal beings. My horses were red, glinting in the light as if made of copper. I led them not by force, but through friendship. We were so close we may as well have been different limbs on the same being.
In my chariot, with my team before me, I ruled the skies. In the skies, I felt free, like nothing could stop me or hold me back. Perhaps that freedom is what allowed me to be so fearless, so "brave." Who knows. . .
What I do know is that everything changed in my ninth year. The Asuras of drought had locked away the rains, and the heavy clouds up above darkened the lands. The earth grew scorched, and cracks marred its surface. And with every crack, I felt a fissure rip through my own being. For no longer could I ride through the skies without viewing the wounded land below and the black clouds above. My safe haven, my freedom, was gone. And without it, I began to change. I began to grow angry and desperate.
Thus when I was given the chance to drive the then-prince, Dasaratha, into battle, I eagerly jumped on it. And in battling against the drought demons, I discovered that my relationship with my horses and my knowledge of the sky allowed me to anticipate and outmaneuver all of our opponents. We were unstoppable, and yet this did not grant me hope for the renewal of the lands and skies which I so loved; no, instead the darkness of the clouds and the harshness of the scorched earth seeped into my soul, and the taste of battle unleashed the desperation and anger I held inside.
And so, even as I saved Dasaratha's life when the tide of battle turned against us, even as I spent days nursing him to health, I changed for the worse. I was no longer an innocent and free child. Instead, I was a bitter and angry woman. And even as I selflessly remained by Dasaratha's side, I became wrapped up in myself. I grew selfish.
Now, when I think back on those days, I wonder. I wonder about how every crack in the earth became a crack in my innocence and about how as the clouds grew darker and heavier with imprisoned rains, my soul grew darker and heavier with pent-up, selfish desires. And I wonder if it was worth it, if my greedy, self-seeking ways have served a purpose. For now Visishtha claims that by my doing, the worlds are saved from tyranny, that my self-serving actions have allowed for the defeat of the oppressive Ravana.
Yet I cannot help but think, why was my virtue the price paid to save the world? Why must I be the villainous hero, the one everyone whispers about in the shadows and despises behind closed doors?
I promise you, I am not all evil. I was not always like this. And perhaps, if I can change for the worse, I can change for the better.
Or perhaps there is no going back to the virtue and innocence that was before. Perhaps I am evil. Perhaps I am the villain I never wished or thought I could be.
Author's Note. I don't know about everyone else, but I for one have never been a fan of Kaikeyi. She's scheming, manipulative and manipulated, selfish and self-serving, and honestly annoying and melodramatic. So yeah, I'm definitely not a fan. And yet, throughout the Ramayana, we get bits and pieces of this story in which she saved Dasaratha even as she herself was injured. All of which seemed out of character and frankly ridiculous when contrasted with her actions regarding Rama. Thus when we got this story in its entirety (finally!) and I learned that Kaikeyi was only nine and an amazing charioteer at the time, suffice it to say I was shocked. And I wondered what could have caused her to change so drastically; what would she think reflecting on who she is and who she was? What caused her to change? . . .
Bibliography. Buck, William (1976). Ramayana: King Rama's Way.
Image Information. Image of a dark landscape courtesy of DasWortgewand. Pixabay.
Great job of telling a story that added to the depth of this character. You are right she does not come across as a sympathetic character in the story, though I did not think she was so much manipulative as manipulated. Either way I think by telling this story it peaks the interest of the reader so that they may re read the story and look at this character in a different light which would also change how they looked at the story as a whole. Good Job.
ReplyDeleteI love that you chose to tell this side of Kaikeyi, even if you do not like her character. We are given such a brief glimpse, really just one event in her life, in Narayan's Ramayana, and there is so much more depth to her story. I think that, in real life, "villains" are never as black-and-white, evil-for-no-reason as they seem, and most of the time they have their own troubled pasts and suffering behind them. So, I like that you chose to explore this aspect of Kaikeyi. And, as always, your story is very well written and descriptive.
ReplyDeleteGreat job with this story! I feel like you really developed Kaikeyi's character well with great descriptive language. You definitely place a different twist of her character relative to the story, but I think it really helps make the story more interesting and exciting! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteThis is such a great story, and you chose a very interesting subject. I also never liked Kaikeyi and found it frustrating that Buck's Ramayana seemed to try to justify her actions. I don't remember which character it was, but something was said about her actions ultimately having positive consequences. How can somebody justify their actions by the events that followed them?! Anyway, I really enjoyed your interpretation of Kaikeyi's thoughts. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job of getting inside Kaikeyi's head and writing from her point of view. I liked how you briefly narrated Kaikeyi's younger years serving the king, and described the origins of her selfish actions. I like how Kaikeyi seems to want to change, but something inside is holding her back. Also, the rest of the world despises her now. Even if she changed herself, the world will never forgive her.
ReplyDeleteJessica, what a great job on this post! I think you did a great job portraying Kaikeyi and her emotions. I agree with you about Kaikeyi not being the most loyal person ever. I don't like her intentions and I have always found her to be fake and not kind hearted. I think your intentions and idea for this post was solid. Good job.
ReplyDeleteHi Jessica, I really enjoyed reading your story and you did a great job of conveying how Kaikeyi may have felt. I also did not like her character in the book because she seemed so selfish and manipulative, and that is pretty annoying. But your story did put a new light on her character and explain why she is like that.
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